Up the Hill and Over

"If we truly trust our process, we go where our deep work leads us. We do not predetermine where or what that will be...  If we will not or cannot explore and accept the what is, we are doomed to be stuck." Ann Wilson Schaef, Living in Process.

Unlike a model of coaching where clients set goals and go about achieving them – while the coach acts as cheerleader, teacher, and sometimes hall monitor – staying fully present to  patterns requires playful surrender. "Playful" in the sense of open curiosity, choosing to enter new arenas without the need to follow old rules or control outcomes. This means observing what shows up without judgment. It also means the coach and the client are willing to follow wherever the process leads.

So I was delighted last week to hear from a client how she used an instance of biking up a hill to learn about her pattern of anger: 

"I'm biking up this hill and I'm so angry, thinking I'm just going to let this anger out. I'm going to sweat, I'm going to ride my bike up this hill. I'm not going to get off and walk, I'm going to bicycle up this hill, exerting myself and thinking what I was angry about, letting that anger push me up the hill. There was even a moment when I was going up the hill that it became so real I started to cry. And I realized, That's my way of not being angry!

I stopped four times because it was a nasty hill. But I didn't give up, because I'm sick of not being in touch with my anger. I don't want to give up on being me, of being present in this relationship with my husband."

Schaef describes dysfunctional relationships as "my mask relating to your mask," whereas in real relationships each partner "mirrors, reflects, and augments our primary relationship with our living process." Among many other qualities of a real relationship, "We recognize that when we have a strong reaction to something our spouse is saying or doing... it may very well be triggering an old deep process in us that is now ready to be worked out."

True to my client's intention to be present in her marriage, she described an interaction with her husband: 

"He said something, I disregarded it, and he pulled me up with, "Fine! Be passive-aggressive toward me!" He was being a smart aleck. But when I said "Oh, I really was! Thank you for showing me," he laughed, said, "You're hilarious," and kissed me.

Do you see the playfulness, the lightness? This is a great reminder that when we truly surrender to learning about ourselves without judgment, we don't need the old defenses anymore, and others respond in kind.

On the Level

In AA the concept “one day at a time” means much more than “I won’t take a drink for the next 24 hours.” Gradually the intention to live one day at a time evolves into the intention to live one day at a time, as if you only have this one day to live. Behind all our attempts to change lies the one fundamental truth – if we live one day at a time, if we are fully present, our habitual reaction to the world can no longer play out automatically. 

Many models for presence are founded in meditation. Certainly, learning to be present in meditation can transfer to greater awareness in everyday life. As J. Krishnamurti said, however: For many of us... the steady and consistent practice of sitting meditation can be elusive.  

Luckily, meditation is not the only way to learn presence. We also become more present when we listen deeply. Most coaching schools emphasize a level of listening that goes beyond the obvious. Co-Active Coaching lists three levels of listening: 

Level I (Internal Listening) “We listen to the words of the other person but the focus is on what it means to us.”

Level II (Dialogue) “There is a sharp focus on the other person.” This is what is typically meant by “active listening.” 

Level III (Global Listening), “You listen at 360 degrees… as though you and the client were at the center of the universe receiving information from everywhere at once… as though you’re surrounded by a force field that contains you, the client, and a space of knowing… The key to  Level III listening is simply to take in the information and play with it and see what emerges.”

Otto Sharmer (Theory U: Leading from the Future as it Emerges) offers similar but slightly more differentiated levels of listening: 

“Listening 1 (from habits) – habits of judgment that lead to reconfirming old opinions and judgments, 

Listening 2 (from outside) – factual listening and noticing differences that lead to new data;
 
Listening 3 (from within) – empathic listening that leads to seeing through another’s eyes and emotional connection; and

Listening 4 (from Source) – generative listening that connects us with an emerging future and shifts our identity/self.”

The following example shows how greater self-awareness can move clients from habitual/internal listening to generative/global listening.

Jane, a widow (Enneagram style Seven) is in love with Bob (style Nine), who’s compassionate, loving, and helpful with her son and daughter. He supports Jane’s parenting approach and also engages her two teenagers in activities that take the burden of full responsibility from her shoulders. Bob has been single for some time and his sisters in a large family have come to depend on him for help with repairs and other problems. One weekend, Jane and Bob carve out two hours alone together. Just as they’re starting out on a long walk, Bob’s cell phone rings with a desperate call from one of his sisters that her heat is off and she’s freezing. 

1. Although Jane agrees to go with Bob to help his sister, she listens to herself at level 1, “What does this mean for me?” and thinks, “This was supposed to be our time together. He has all these other demands on him. There will never be enough time for me.”
    
2. Instead of reacting from this level, however, she stays with it and listens to herself at level 2. (“What can I learn from the facts?”) as Bob explains his sister Maggie’s desperate financial straits and adds that he’d like to check in quickly, have Jane meet Maggie, and then he and Jane can continue their walk.
    
3. At Maggie’s small house Jane talks with Maggie while Bob checks on the heating problem. Jane now listens to herself at level 3 (“What do I see when I look through their eyes?”) and notices how affectionately Bob and his sister treat each other. She empathizes with both of them and realizes that Bob’s behavior with his sister comes from the same fountain of compassion Jane experiences from him.
    
4. She continues to stay present, now listening at level 4 (“What is there to know that’s beyond what I presently know?”). In this place of full presence, she sees that her initial, habitual reaction came from a fundamental, patterned belief: “There will never be enough for me.” She shifts to a different sense of identity—”I am not my pattern”—and its hold on her is released.

Take Time to Celebrate

I'll admit it, I was wrong!

I used to emphasize how quickly my coaching methods can bring about change, looking askance at coaches who had clients for a year or more.

And of course I still revel in the immediate insights, the excitement of new possibilities in two or three productive coaching sessions.

Last week, however, I celebrated with a client of more than six years, recognizing the time and effort involved in truly freeing ourselves, how we can breathe a little deeper each time we expand the confines of the "box" of personality.

This client has stayed with me through two jobs and an ever closer look at her career aspirations, the gifts and blind spots of her personality style, her communication with family and co-workers, her reactions to authority. She has recently resigned from a job that didn't offer the promotion she now knows she fully deserves:

As I look back over my years in this job, I've seen great improvement in my relationships, in my competency, in less rigidity about everything -- not having to be perfect. When I'm comfortable I'm relaxed, funny, and people have made comments about my positive energy.

Last week my staff and my boss took me out for lunch. We had fun, lots of laughter, and they gave me gifts.that acknowledged me as a person -- chocolates, which they know I love; a hat to wear in the sun because they know I walk every day; a photo of me and my staff with an inscription on the frame -- "There are no days; only moments" -- and a necklace with a heart pendant. 

The necklace is symbolic of my metaphor of "heart disease" to describe our organizational culture and my wish that we could all have "healthy hearts" -- be more open to each other, show more mutual respect.

When you and I first started working together, I told you, "I don't have friends at work." This time around I walked away from that job with a legacy -- they know I care about them as individuals and they know me. That's intimacy, even in a business setting.

Draw Outside the Lines

Remember the problem where you're asked to connect nine dots with only four straight lines?

This riddle can serve as a metaphor for you as a coach. There is no box in the diagram, but each client's worldview is a box. The only way to solve the nine-dot problem is to go outside the box, in this case by creating four lines that extend past the numbers:

You, too, want to go outside the lines -- to step outside the box of the coaching relationship -- and ask yourself, "Are my responses to clients reinforcing their key personality patterns or helping them break free of those patterns?"

Success-oriented clients, for example, tend to look outside themselves for approval, seeking the metaphorical "trophy" for achieving their goals. In follow-up meetings they will typically report how well they've carried out their assignments, enacting their key underlying pattern by trying to be the best coaching client. Will you reinforce that behavior by applauding what they've done, or will you help them see this habitual pattern, without judgment, as it occurs in the coaching session?

Clients whose key pattern is perfectionism will come to you wanting to "fix" themselves. Will you jump with them to solutions, or will you help them break the superstructure of their perfectionism by teaching them to observe how their perfectionism plays out without trying to change anything? 

This is sophisticated coaching; you are always looking deeper than the obvious, always taking the systemic view, acknowledging that your presence invites the lifelong patterns that now keep your clients stuck. The easy approach is to give them what they ask for. The smarter approach is to give them what they don't know how to ask for, a transpersonal shift in how they view the world.

Turn Coaching Assignments Into Play

My clients and I come up with some unusual and even comical actions for them to try between coaching sessions. A coach I mentor wondered if a man she's coaching might benefit from something a bit frivolous "to reduce his over-seriousness."

Change in our clients comes in part when they try something different, and in part when they observe and stay with the feelings that come up as a consequence. And these tasks we typically call homework or assignments are much more likely to succeed when we approach them playfully and the client collaborates in their development. I like to use the word experiment.

The first step to develop a relevant experiment is to identify the pattern that's causing a problem, then create actions that simultaneously draw from and reframe the client's worldview.

For the man who'd been over-serious, the coach first found out what "over-seriousness" meant to him, then in what ways and to what degree he wanted to be less serious. They brainstormed words to create a Seriousness Continuum and he agreed to keep track of different ways to enact each of these states:

Funereal -- Grim -- Austere -- Solemn -- Deliberate -- Thoughtful 

The key is always to heighten awareness, so clients no longer react unconsciously and habitually. Such mindfulness can resolve an issue quite quickly.

Here are some other possibilities:

The coach might ask her client to imagine ways he could exaggerate the problem. For example, he might experiment with being "Funereal" and, while doing so, to notice how his face and body feel.

Or he could go in the other direction and act in a way that stretches him just a bit. Maybe he'll agree to wear a tie in a less serious pattern than his usual dark stripe, and to pay close attention to what happens. Do people even notice his tie? How does he know that? How does he feel wearing it?

If you set up a positive expectation, a presupposition, clients will notice a change in their old patterns while experimenting with new behavior. With the above client, for example, you could say, "Notice ways you're a little less serious while trying to be funereal," or "...while wearing that tie..."

You'll find as you explore a client's patterns that ideas offer themselves about how to "do" the pattern in a different way. Because it's important in all change work to break down generalities, helping the client be specific will begin the change. Playfully dreaming up ideas for experiments between sessions will also loosen the pattern. The experiment itself will definitely do so.

Reframing Force-Field Analysis

Ask yourself, "How might I reframe my model of the force field? What are my beliefs and behaviors that may be contributing to resistance in our interaction?"

I think resistance to change is an interpersonal dynamic. But traditional change theory carries an unexamined premise that we coaches/consultants are not part of the problem. Our collaborative behaviors are assumed, and we tend to explain any resistance we encounter as an element within the client and/or the client system.

Lewin's force-field analysis is the most commonly used model to illustrate elements of change and resistance to change:

According to Lewin's model, pressing for change threatens stability and increases the power of forces maintaining the system, so the most effective way to bring about change is to reduce the forces of resistance. Note that Lewin's model, however, implies that resistance exists only on one side of the force field. As coaches and consultants, we see ourselves as "driving forces." Thus theory guides practice when we interpret resistance to change as emanating only from clients ("restraining forces").

In contrast, I believe both change forces and status quo forces exist within the interaction system. And if a system depicts an interaction, both driving and restraining forces must also be depicted as interactive:

This mental model guides us to interpret resistance to change as an interactive variable.  Instead of assuming resistance is something in your clients to 'overcome,' ask yourself, "How might I reframe my model of the force field? What are my beliefs and behaviors that may be contributing to resistance in our interaction?"