A Package of Contradictions

More information about Matt, Executive VP in a team of four in "Developing a Work Team with the Enneagram."

"My father was dominant, short-tempered, and controlling," said Matt (style Six) during our first meeting. "My mother was caring, traditional, focused on her kids, her husband, her home. She was also fearful: always afraid of an accident, of something bad happening, always talking about who was sick, who was dying. They were both strict and -- although I was a really good kid -- they wouldn't trust me to take care of myself. Even today, my mother asks unbelievable questions about my health."

Matt had impressive presence. He was often one step ahead of me as we talked about the Enneagram and its application to his interactions with the other three people on the executive team. In response to my example of a style Six client from another organization who'd been described as "wearing his emotions on his sleeve," Matt said, "I think I'm too open. I've heard our CEO Pete (style Five) describing other people by how things go straight from their gut to their mouths, and I think that's how he sees me."

Aware that he'd been looking to others for affirmation, Matt was learning to give himself credit. With reflection, however, he saw how key dynamics of style Six had been playing out with his team mates. He felt close to Joe (style Nine), but sometimes resented Pete for being "stingy" with praise, and found it difficult to accept any suggestions from Sally (style Three) without thinking she was meddling. 

"I'd like to be more centered, more at peace with myself," he said, "so my reaction doesn't become a function of what somebody else says every twenty minutes!"

Matt's team mates described him as a very bright, capable executive, an intense individual with "a lot of emotions pumping." They said he brought a tremendous amount of energy and excitement to the group and put in immeasurable hours to reach his goals. He was also applauded for excellent management skills: "He appreciates what it takes to motivate people, understands the little things that make a difference, and treats his people with respect." Another key contribution to the team was Matt's attention to team work across company lines. "He has an appreciation for the various roles that need to be played in the company," said Joe, "so he promotes cross-functional discussions, copies others on voice mail, and reminds his direct reports to include others."

The other three all agreed, however -- as Joe so eloquently put it -- that Matt was "a package of contradictions." He had a good sense of his inner strengths and capabilities and portrayed an aura of professionalism, but he worried overmuch about what people thought of him. "He has this element of caution about 'danger out there,'" Joe said, "yet he also projects a note of reckless abandon" (Matt referred to this as his kamikaze quality). His team mates saw this paradox in Matt as affecting his decision-making: "He can decide on an impulsive, intuitive basis," said Joe, "yet will sometimes say 'We can't do this because...'"Sally assumed Matt "wants to do well and be right, yet has serious doubts, so sometimes he'll take too long to decide, and sometimes he'll back down too readily, especially when challenged by Pete." And, as Matt suspected, Pete said, "Matt needs the most work on not blurting things out."

As a consequence of our personal work, Matt learned to reach inside when he started to react strongly to someone else's opinion and "let it go." In fact, he passed on to me an article by Carl Hammerschlag about ordinary people who journey past fear and illusion:

The primary task in the pursuit of salvation and healthy living is to choose to respond to the summons of life's journey. The truth is that you don't have to take somebody else's path or identify with an established heroic figure. You are the principal character in your own life's drama.

Intellectual Aikido

More information about Pete, CEO in executive team of four in "Developing a Work Team with the Enneagram."

"I grew up with a mother who's very critical," said Pete (style Five), "but we've had a pretty good relationship, Others have told me I'm her favorite, although I've never perceived it that way. My father was a very driven individual who became the first professional in an immigrant family, and he wanted me to follow in his footsteps. We did things together, but he could become explosively angry and was not likely to give any praise. He had a clear agenda for me, and it wasn't until he died that I felt completely free." 

Possessed of an outstanding mind, Pete's retreat into intellect was apparent: "I found college to be an intellectual lark," he reported. During his professional training, he and one of his mentors created a new discipline that became an accredited course of study and, by the time of our work together, he was a nationally acknowledged leader in his field. "One of my gifts and also my down side," he said, "is that I can be an intellectual dilettante and play with ideas for the sake of playing with them. I'm also very passionate when I value something, and I think I underestimate my ability to influence other people." Although he struggled with disdain for people "driven by their emotional needs," consistent feedback from others helped Pete recognize the value of more positive reinforcement. "I need to better motivate and connect with my executive team so they can work at a higher level and feel good about the organization and about me."

Comments from his three executive vice presidents about Pete conveyed their respect for his brilliance and innovative thinking. "He's a very complex person -- like a wonderful Caesar Salad -- and an unparalleled strategic thinker in his field." "He's one of the smartest people I've ever been around." "He's an extraordinary conceptual thinker, very shrewd." They all agreed Pete was a great generator of innovative ideas and loved to debate, "although he may not even believe in the point he's arguing. Because he has such a passionate state of mind, he couldn't really tell you at the moment whether he loves the idea or not!" 

They also agreed Pete had a hard time seeing issues from the other person's point of view. While a very free-flowing thinker, his persistence could make him seem positioned or even rigid, thus shutting others out. "If you present a compelling argument and speak with conviction, he'll listen," said Joe (style Nine), "but if you get into a debate with him you can't win; he'll rip you apart." Sally (style Three) described Pete as "completely the opposite of Matt (style Six) in that he'll take a totally dispassionate view." Also, Pete was known to change his views from one occasion to the next, neither explaining the change nor giving credit to the person who influenced his thinking. Sally thought this was an unconscious process: "The way he gathers feedback is to make a lot of statements and then process the reactions, not revealing whether or not he's been persuaded in some way; he then re-tools his thinking and comes back with an integrated view, not even aware of the transition himself."

In addition to some frustration with his debating tactics, the other three knew Pete expected them to take care of themselves. "He doesn't appear to think about us developmentally," said Joe. According to Matt, "He just doesn't see the value of positive feedback." Nor did paying attention to individual needs come naturally to Pete. Others were aware he saw emotional vulnerabilities as weaknesses. "If you meet him with humor and intelligence when he's all wound up, that's a form of intimacy for him, kind of an intellectual aikido. But he has great difficulty disclosing himself or giving praise directly."

As part of his development work, Pete asked me to create an assessment form to check his progress, based on input from team members and the board president. We collected this information twice a year for two years, as a basis for follow-up coaching.


 

Star Trek

More information about Sally, Executive VP in a team of four in "Developing a Work Team with the Enneagram."

Sally (style Three), one of three executive vice presidents reporting to the CEO, Pete (style Five), had been reacting to emotional discomfort by withdrawing, without explaining herself. Pete was concerned about this: "If it's a business or technical issue, she'll confront, but when she's uncomfortable about something she draws back from it emotionally. During one intense team session she just sat back and worked on some papers."

Sally said, "Too many of our discussions focus on feelings and not enough on outcomes. When this happens I tell myself This is too emotional for me and back away. I grew up in a big, extended family that fights and screams. I've seen my father punish my sister, who would never conform to what he wanted, and I remember thinking I never want to get on his bad side. My Dad was always telling us what we should do, how we should look, but I was never afraid he'd turn on me because I could control that very easily by doing what he asked."

Her results-focus showed up in Sally's self-image as a team member: "Joe (style Nine) and Matt (style Six) will probably say I try to take responsibility for things that aren't my job. But when I think our employees or customers might be let down, I offer assistance. It's hard when I think I can make a situation better but they're either upset with me for 'interfering' or aren't willing to do what I suggest." 

Her team mates described Sally as bright and articulate, but they wished she wouldn't hold such a dichotomy between her personal self and work life. They saw her as somewhat closed to people.  Joe said, "She has a normal comfort zone for someone at her level." Matt agreed: "I'd like to get to know her better, but I feel off-guard with her" (this was in response to her intervening in his areas of responsibility). 

Sally was convinced she could make a difference and aggressively pursued goals she believed in. Consequently, her responsibilities had steadily grown since she joined the company. When asked about her working definition of teamwork, she said, "I think Star Trek: The Next Generation teaches wonderful lessons about honesty and how to treat people; they're a diverse group but when the chips are down they work together. The leader of the crew is very strong, but treats everyone with respect and gets done what needs to be done. I know I can be overbearing in taking the lead, but I do not want to be vulnerable to failure. It's just safer to be on my own."

A major priority for Sally's development was to access her feelings and learn how to consider the feelings of others. Shortly after our team session, she sent a memo to Matt outlining in specific and glowing terms his contribution to a major project. She acknowledged in private her goal to become more comfortable making such comments in person.