"...wisdom and compassion can join hands in finding a Spirit that both transcends and includes this world, a Spirit eternally prior to this world and yet embracing this world and all its beings with infinite love and compassion, and care and concern, and the tenderest of mercies..." Ken Wilber,A Brief History of Everything.A colleague asked me about self-managing feelings of compassion, fondness, and attraction with clients. Therapists refer to these phenomena as transference and counter-transference. I prefer a less clinical explanation of what happens in a profoundly compassionate coaching relationship. We simply experience love--at its best, what Ken Wilber described as infinite love--an important component of transpersonal change.
Spontaneous change can happen in unconditionally loving personal relationships. In effective coaching relationships, as well, the emotional connection is one of unconditional, caring support. This is especially true when your clients have powerful insights, access a deep sense of their true worth, or realize how radically they've changed as a result of working with you.
My first experience of this felt a bit like falling in love with a client, but much more encompassing, more transcendent. I was grateful it happened when coaching a man to whom I couldn't possibly be attracted--so I wasn't confused about the source, only curious about how or why it was happening. At the moment this profoundly warm feeling swept over me, I'd been pondering how to frame the feedback from others in a way that he could hear without defensiveness. At the same moment, I found out in our meeting, he'd been praying I'd be shown the words that would help him.
It is, indeed, a kind of love we share at times like these, but it's bigger than everyday love. Instead of being "in" love, we're being "within" love, both coach and client lucky enough to have been present to a special kind of healing.
When your client's gender is not your romantic preference, this isn't confusing or threatening to either coach or client. For example, a female client sent me this email after a very powerful coaching session: "Dear Mary, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think it might not be too soon to say, I love you." She typically expressed her emotions openly, and we both understood she was feeling deeply loved and loving.
But I have been within love with clients who weren't so openly expressive. A happily married, tough-nosed male CEO of a consulting firm, after several months of coaching, would respond to a particularly unexpected insight by saying, I love you!" It was clear he meant this not a romantic utterance, but a way to share his excitement, a feeling bigger than personal love.
Sometimes, though, social conditioning and role expectations can kick in and clients may define their feelings of shared compassion and gratitude as "infatuation" or "falling in love." When that happens, remember that you're in a special position as companion on a difficult and life-changing journey. Create appropriate boundaries so they feel safe enough to stay open and explore new territory, at the same time redefining this joy they're feeling as infinite love, not personal love.
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