Hitchhiking to the Grand Ole Opry

I don’t think change efforts have to be work. In particular, using metaphors to stimulate change can be a very playful process.

In a coaching session with a manager who was a bit of a perfectionist, he and I talked about problems his team described when his teaching mode slipped into preaching. While exploring together how to loosen that pattern playfully, I asked him to think of situations where he didn’t take the teacher role. 

"I used to hitchhike in the Sixties," he recalled, "and I learned a lot from conversations with people who gave me a ride." 

When he began to imagine himself in meetings as “hitching a ride,” conversing with people who work for him as if they’re traveling companions, it made a world of difference.

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Asked to consider who her inner critic resembled, another client I'll call Elsa said, "She looks like me, but sounds like my mother."

When I asked “How is she dressed?” Elsa burst out laughing: “She’s dressed like Minnie Pearl from the Grand Ole Opry.” 

You know Elsa will never again respond to her inner judge in the same way. How could she? She’ll be picturing the words coming from a sassy comedian wearing a big straw hat with a $1.98 price tag hanging from the side!

Coaching for Managers: Helping Employees Loosen their Personality Traps

I've almost finished revising a small handbook for managers that I created for a client company more than a decade ago--a slant on change that's common among psychologists but I haven't seen addressed in other Enneagram books except my own: a detailed version, with business examples, of why it doesn't work to hit someone while saying "Don't hit!"  

The premise here is for managers to approach each employee from the perspective of the employee's key Enneagram fixation with the goal of helping to loosen their fixed point of view and broaden their perspective. For example, if you're coaching someone who's stuck in black and white thinking, it's ineffective in the long run to say, "You're taking the wrong approach here." 

That employee already thinks in terms of right/wrong, and while they may comply with a specific instruction, you won't be helping them loosen the shackles of Enneagram point One, and different versions of their being too judgmental a voice on the team will continue to show up.

More in Out of the Box Coaching with the Enneagram. 

No More of the Same

The belief that one's own view of reality is the only reality is the most dangerous of all delusions. Paul Watzlawick.

One of the coaches I mentored asked for the sources of my distinction between first-order change and second-order change. My earliest influences were Bateson's Steps to an Ecology of Mind and Watzlawick et al's Change; later, Senge's The Fifth Discipline and Hargrove's Masterful Coaching.

While the terminology of these authors and I may differ, we share some common principles:

First-order change is a temporary "fix" to a problem without examining the underlying patterns that caused the problem; the typical result is "more of the same." Senge, for example, identifies archetypes arising from attempts at organizational change that feed the original dynamic.

Second-order change is a radical shift in worldview and consequent actions; it requires systems thinking, the ability to step back and intervene in the dynamics that have reinforced "more of the same."

Political satire, "more of the same"

 

First-order change in coaching similarly refers to learning new skills or capabilities that involve doing something better without examining or challenging underlying beliefs and assumptions. Second-order change occurs when clients step outside their current perspective, examine their frame of reference, and do something different. As a coach, you help them (a) observe the assumptions and behavioral patterns that have kept the same problems cropping up over and over, and (b) fundamentally reframe their worldview. As a consequence, they become less habit-driven, more open, and increasingly self-aware.

For example, Bill Danvers was  VP of Sales, in line to be president of his company. The CEO had annointed him because of spectacular sales results, not realizing Bill had taken all the credit in spite of behind-the-scenes support from VPs of other functions. After agreeing with his peers on negotiation parameters, he would override those agreements to make deals with customers that other functions didn't have the resources to support in the expected time frame. So if customers became dissatisfied, Bill still looked like the golden boy and his peers took all the blame.

His underlying drive was to succeed at any cost. Consequently, the other VPs didn't trust him and wouldn't support his bid to be their boss. Because he wanted their approval, Bill agreed to tell customers his offers were tentative and to confirm with his peers before closing the deal. This first-order change might have temporarily satisfied others in the organization, but if his fundamental drive continued to serve his own achievements at the cost of theirs, nothing fundamental would have changed and he would again have lost their trust.

With a systemic view of his behavioral patterns, Bill Danvers began to acknowledge evidence of his competitiveness and his high need to be recognized for his successes. He became aware of childhood messages that his worth depended on his individual accomplishment. With the goal of second-order change, I helped raise Bill's awareness when feelings of competitiveness and approval-seeking behavior began to grip him. He was gradually able to intervene with new responses and authentically collaborate with his peers.

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For a personality-based explanation, see the discussion beginning at the bottom of page 4 in my book with Clarence Thomson, Out of the Box Coaching with the Enneagram. For more about first- and second-order change, see Tompkins and Lawley's  When the Remedy is the Problem.

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Where Do You Want the Bike to Go?

In the introduction to David Gordon's book, Therapeutic Metaphors: Helping Others Through the Looking Glass, he writes:

"There is no essential structural difference between the Odyssey, Alice in Wonderland, and Carlos Castaneda's experiences with Don Juan. All describe individuals, real or imagined, who are confronted with problems, which demand [tapping] their personal resources in order to overcome these problems...

If the conflict within the story is similar to one you as a listener happen also to be dealing with, then the story immediately becomes significant to you... a METAPHOR."

In my coaching career, when clients seemed stuck over how to initiate action or unable to respond to direct suggestions, I often told stories including change-oriented metaphors. But their own stories were much more powerful, as illustrated by this example:

“The day after I got my motorcycle license, I took a spin on a friend’s motorcycle and got into a single-vehicle accident. I was nervous because it was a different, much larger bike than the one I learned on, and left turns were causing me trouble.

Among the major points the instructors had made over my two-day training was to look where you want the motorcycle to go. In my anxiety about the size of the motorcycle, I completely forgot that and kept looking at the curb I didn’t want to run into. And guess what? The motorcycle went right where I was looking!

Was I nervous the following spring when I got on a bike for my first ride? You bet. However, my mantra wasn’t, ‘Please don’t crash’ (focus on the fear). It was, of course, ‘Look where you want the bike to go.’ And guess what? It still goes where I look.”

"Where do I want the bike to go?" has become her own change-oriented metaphor.

Evocative Coaching

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For years I searched for an alternative to describing my work as "life coaching." There are countless people calling themselves life coaches, some apparent stars. Not that I don't admire success, or scads of money, but I do wonder if the "better" life some coaches promise belongs to the maya category (all is illusion). Efforts, in other words, to satisfy clients' egos.

Then I read about a Clinton Presidential staff retreat, with Jean Houston as one of the facilitators. Houston's self-description, also shared in an interview with Oprah Winfrey, struck me at first as hilariously theatrical:

"I would call myself an evocateur of the possible, and a midwife of souls." Dr. Jean Houston.

Sometimes my laughter and immediate rejection of an idea are defenses against taking a risk. Sure enough, I couldn't stop thinking about evocateur. Too grandiose, too foreign, too too . . . yet somehow edgy and intriguing. Out of curiosity I played around at the online Thesaurus and Dictionary. 

As expected, life coaches are described as "helping people to make changes in their lives, to learn new ways of coping, and to function at their maximum potential." Ho hum. 

Some synonyms: expert, consultant, guide, counselor, mentor, partner, confidant... and in a lighter mode, kibitzer. At the more directive end, I like buttinski. 

Evocateur doesn't appear in either source, but I found evocator and this is my synthesis:

"Through artistry and imagination, evocators call forth a vision of transformed reality, elicit passion, and summon others into action."

The synonyms for evocator tend to derive from prophet, including predictor, forecaster, oracle, reader, diviner, clairvoyant, seer, soothsayer, and witch. I admit to all, on occasion.

Following this thread, I googled evocateur. The first hit was Jean Houston's site, where this description expands on my synthesis above:

"The times of great change and remarkable opportunity are upon us... we can no longer go it alone, but must partner... to share innovative and creative ways in which to rethink and restructure our individual existence within the context of our expanding global communities. To do this requires a heightened awareness, an awakened sense of purpose, and a dedicated commitment to actively seek out the possible."

Evocateur went too far for me, but more and more I liked the intimations of evocator and coined (I thought) evocative coaching. I've  found only one use of the term in Evocative Coaching: Transforming Schools One Conversation at a Time, a "teacher-centered, no-fault, strengths-based approach to performance improvement."

Their principles for school transformation are the same as those I recommend for Enneagram coaching, based on consciousness (self-awareness), connection (high- trust relationships), competence (celebrate clients' abilities), contribution (honor client's input), and creativity (openness to change, in a flow state) as described by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyl: "During flow, people typically experience deep enjoyment, creativity, and a total involvement with life."

See also:

Evocative Enneagram Stories  &  Self-Coaching Tips 

My Books at Amazon.com

Hungry Ghosts

In Buddhist and other texts throughout the Far East, Hungry Ghosts are depicted as teardrop shaped, with bloated stomachs and necks too thin to pass food—representing our futile attempts to feed ego patterns: we can never find satisfaction, like drinking salt water to quench our thirst.

This is a useful analogy for our addictive personality patterns. And it won't help anyone to suggest, metaphorically, "You needn't be so hungry" -- or worse -- "You really need to go on a diet."

Instead of theorizing about or labeling behavior, it's important to see the path of our Hungry Ghosts with compassion, not judgment -- to identify, embrace, and learn from the nature of our hungers.