Take Time to Celebrate

I'll admit it, I was wrong!

I used to emphasize how quickly my coaching methods can bring about change, looking askance at coaches who had clients for a year or more.

And of course I still revel in the immediate insights, the excitement of new possibilities in two or three productive coaching sessions.

Last week, however, I celebrated with a client of more than six years, recognizing the time and effort involved in truly freeing ourselves, how we can breathe a little deeper each time we expand the confines of the "box" of personality.

This client has stayed with me through two jobs and an ever closer look at her career aspirations, the gifts and blind spots of her personality style, her communication with family and co-workers, her reactions to authority. She has recently resigned from a job that didn't offer the promotion she now knows she fully deserves:

As I look back over my years in this job, I've seen great improvement in my relationships, in my competency, in less rigidity about everything -- not having to be perfect. When I'm comfortable I'm relaxed, funny, and people have made comments about my positive energy.

Last week my staff and my boss took me out for lunch. We had fun, lots of laughter, and they gave me gifts.that acknowledged me as a person -- chocolates, which they know I love; a hat to wear in the sun because they know I walk every day; a photo of me and my staff with an inscription on the frame -- "There are no days; only moments" -- and a necklace with a heart pendant. 

The necklace is symbolic of my metaphor of "heart disease" to describe our organizational culture and my wish that we could all have "healthy hearts" -- be more open to each other, show more mutual respect.

When you and I first started working together, I told you, "I don't have friends at work." This time around I walked away from that job with a legacy -- they know I care about them as individuals and they know me. That's intimacy, even in a business setting.

Draw Outside the Lines

Remember the problem where you're asked to connect nine dots with only four straight lines?

This riddle can serve as a metaphor for you as a coach. There is no box in the diagram, but each client's worldview is a box. The only way to solve the nine-dot problem is to go outside the box, in this case by creating four lines that extend past the numbers:

You, too, want to go outside the lines -- to step outside the box of the coaching relationship -- and ask yourself, "Are my responses to clients reinforcing their key personality patterns or helping them break free of those patterns?"

Success-oriented clients, for example, tend to look outside themselves for approval, seeking the metaphorical "trophy" for achieving their goals. In follow-up meetings they will typically report how well they've carried out their assignments, enacting their key underlying pattern by trying to be the best coaching client. Will you reinforce that behavior by applauding what they've done, or will you help them see this habitual pattern, without judgment, as it occurs in the coaching session?

Clients whose key pattern is perfectionism will come to you wanting to "fix" themselves. Will you jump with them to solutions, or will you help them break the superstructure of their perfectionism by teaching them to observe how their perfectionism plays out without trying to change anything? 

This is sophisticated coaching; you are always looking deeper than the obvious, always taking the systemic view, acknowledging that your presence invites the lifelong patterns that now keep your clients stuck. The easy approach is to give them what they ask for. The smarter approach is to give them what they don't know how to ask for, a transpersonal shift in how they view the world.

Turn Coaching Assignments Into Play

My clients and I come up with some unusual and even comical actions for them to try between coaching sessions. A coach I mentor wondered if a man she's coaching might benefit from something a bit frivolous "to reduce his over-seriousness."

Change in our clients comes in part when they try something different, and in part when they observe and stay with the feelings that come up as a consequence. And these tasks we typically call homework or assignments are much more likely to succeed when we approach them playfully and the client collaborates in their development. I like to use the word experiment.

The first step to develop a relevant experiment is to identify the pattern that's causing a problem, then create actions that simultaneously draw from and reframe the client's worldview.

For the man who'd been over-serious, the coach first found out what "over-seriousness" meant to him, then in what ways and to what degree he wanted to be less serious. They brainstormed words to create a Seriousness Continuum and he agreed to keep track of different ways to enact each of these states:

Funereal -- Grim -- Austere -- Solemn -- Deliberate -- Thoughtful 

The key is always to heighten awareness, so clients no longer react unconsciously and habitually. Such mindfulness can resolve an issue quite quickly.

Here are some other possibilities:

The coach might ask her client to imagine ways he could exaggerate the problem. For example, he might experiment with being "Funereal" and, while doing so, to notice how his face and body feel.

Or he could go in the other direction and act in a way that stretches him just a bit. Maybe he'll agree to wear a tie in a less serious pattern than his usual dark stripe, and to pay close attention to what happens. Do people even notice his tie? How does he know that? How does he feel wearing it?

If you set up a positive expectation, a presupposition, clients will notice a change in their old patterns while experimenting with new behavior. With the above client, for example, you could say, "Notice ways you're a little less serious while trying to be funereal," or "...while wearing that tie..."

You'll find as you explore a client's patterns that ideas offer themselves about how to "do" the pattern in a different way. Because it's important in all change work to break down generalities, helping the client be specific will begin the change. Playfully dreaming up ideas for experiments between sessions will also loosen the pattern. The experiment itself will definitely do so.

Reframing Force-Field Analysis

Ask yourself, "How might I reframe my model of the force field? What are my beliefs and behaviors that may be contributing to resistance in our interaction?"

I think resistance to change is an interpersonal dynamic. But traditional change theory carries an unexamined premise that we coaches/consultants are not part of the problem. Our collaborative behaviors are assumed, and we tend to explain any resistance we encounter as an element within the client and/or the client system.

Lewin's force-field analysis is the most commonly used model to illustrate elements of change and resistance to change:

According to Lewin's model, pressing for change threatens stability and increases the power of forces maintaining the system, so the most effective way to bring about change is to reduce the forces of resistance. Note that Lewin's model, however, implies that resistance exists only on one side of the force field. As coaches and consultants, we see ourselves as "driving forces." Thus theory guides practice when we interpret resistance to change as emanating only from clients ("restraining forces").

In contrast, I believe both change forces and status quo forces exist within the interaction system. And if a system depicts an interaction, both driving and restraining forces must also be depicted as interactive:

This mental model guides us to interpret resistance to change as an interactive variable.  Instead of assuming resistance is something in your clients to 'overcome,' ask yourself, "How might I reframe my model of the force field? What are my beliefs and behaviors that may be contributing to resistance in our interaction?" 

Sell From Your Strengths

According to Valerie Atkin of Wells Street Consulting, selling's bad rap is reflected in such cliches as "being sold down the river" or "selling out." Actually, effective selling for coaches invites collaborating to inspire a vision, stay the course, accomplish goals, and significantly improve lives. So don't sell yourself short.

Current-day technology celebrates the subtle strength of so-called "passive" marketing—writing articles or books that attract clients, and especially in these days of Social Media Marketing, having a web site and/or blog that connects us through the Internet with people we might otherwise never have reached.

On any well-done home page, you'll find quick answers to these key questions potential client's will have: (1) "What is it?" (2) "Why do I want it?" (3) "Where do I get it?"

Once you have your initial, clean, clear message that sets you out among coaches, think about other ways potential clients can get to know you. Browsers will go where key words draw them. Several coaches have hired me, for example, after finding a poem in my Poetry and Personality pages.

Where to start? Find your personal vision, one that answers two key questions posed by Stanford's Michael Ray: "Who is my Self?" and "What is my Work?" "When we talk about 'Self,"' said Ray, "we're talking about your higher self... your highest future potential. And by asking 'What is my work?' we're asking what is the purpose of your existence or what are you meant to be?"

Trading Places

CJ Fitzsimons brainstormed with me about his client Hans, an Enneagram Eight.

CJ: Hans was livid that his superiors had decided to send him to their Assessment Center (AC), and if he passed he would lose much of the freedom he enjoyed in his job.

I asked Hans to assign different places in the room for two roles, Hans today and Hans in his new job after the AC. I interviewed him in each for a few minutes, then asked how he felt in his new job. "Not half as bad as I expected," he replied. We agreed to a half-day session before the AC.

People with Hans' personality style have the either/or belief, "either I'm strong or I'm vulnerable." Thus Hans saw the AC as a place "where they torture people for several days by observing how they respond to stressful situations." He assumed he would be at the mercy of the assessors, a vulnerability that triggered his personality's toggle-switch thinking ("If they're not with me, they're against me").

CJ wanted to coach Hans into both/and thinking, which he did quite well, yet in a different way than I might have done. I told him I help clients identify the "X" and the "Y" that are apparently incompatible, explore the underlying objectives, then ask themselves, "How could I do both X and Y?"

Hans did reframe his belief that perceived vulnerability meant he was out of control, but CJ accomplished this with a technique from his training in psychodrama, inviting Hans to do a role switch (similar to the Gestalt empty-chair technique).

CJ: I knew Hans was concerned the assessors would "seek out weaknesses and bore into them," which offended his need for fairness. As I wrote our agenda on a flip chart, I invited him to move to my chair and to imagine himself as his AC assessor. I interviewed the "assessor" about his approach, how he'd treat Hans, what he'd look for in his assessment – keeping the questions and tone light.

Hans relaxed visibly, his body going from hunched/defensive to laid-back/open. He grinned, "It’ll be OK. He’s not out to get me. He’s only doing his job."

My conversations with CJ is a fine example of why we need colleagues, how we learn from each other. I helped him see how both/and thinking can reframe a client's underlying beliefs; he showed me the effectiveness of psychodrama with a business client.