Same Music, Different Beat

In an Ericksonian Foundation newsletter article, Jeff Zeig described learning to play the tin whistle (the Irish Penny Whistle) after a lifetime of not playing a musical instrument.

"This practice has been highly instructive to me and has changed my teaching style. To experience the ways a simple tune can be embellished has altered the way I understand hypnosis. Music and hypnosis have structural similarities since both are based in changing people's perspectives, states, and emotions, particularly through using innuendo."

Years ago I took tennis lessons one summer, working particularly on my backhand. A few months later I played nine holes of golf with my boss at a golf retreat in Florida where we were facilitating a leadership workshop. As we approached the first tee I joked that I'd see him at the putting green, because I tended to slice the ball and I'd be off in the rough to the right. After I'd made a couple of straight drives he said, "I thought you told me you sliced the ball." I was surprised, but didn't make a connection to the tennis lessons until I played ping-pong with friends a few weeks later and realized my game there had improved, as well.

Transfer of learning is an important concept for coaches because we only have our clients' attention for a snapshot of time before they go out into the world to either keep doing what they've always done or do something different. So their generalizations to everyday life depend on the parallels we help them draw or embed in the coaching experience itself.

The parallels can be direct, as when clients agree to practice on their own something you've experimented with together and to report back how well it works in a variety of settings. A more subtle learning transfer occurs within the nature of the coaching relationship. Several of my clients, when asked to use one word to describe their vision for 2012, have come up with words like "fun," "play," "flow," and "creativity." I see this as my call to make sure our sessions are fun, playful, creative, and in the flow.

How will your 2012 coaching sessions help clients transfer their learnings to everyday life?

The Sweet Spot

Dr. Bast underscores how the Enneagram is an especially helpful tool in teamwork, helping team members to non-defensively appreciate each others' differences and communicate more clearly. Enneagram Applications.

A common U.S. business leadership type, described by Robert Kaplan in Beyond Ambition as the "striver-builder," is personality style Three in the Enneagram. According to Kaplan, "This type specializes in building up organizations (to gain) high regard from the world. Their parents expected a great deal of them, and they internalized those high expectations." Their key motivation is to distinguish themselves, and leadership is an integral part of their drive toward success.

People with this leadership style want to look good. On the plus side, they have a supreme focus on results and excellence. But this same quality can generate competitiveness and a tendency to disregard others' input. Because they typically may not be introspective, it's an important aspect of coaching striver-builders to nourish their interior life so they see how ambition, image-consciousness, and self-promotion are driven by unconscious patterns.

When you coach high-achieving clients to do this inner work, they retain their gifts of confidence and energy while becoming more communal. Kaplan adds, "In the best cases, striver-builders also come to a personal acceptance of their limitations; they learn to get satisfaction out of committing themselves fully to something or someone outside of themselves."

The paragraphs above are from one of my articles in Enneagram Applications, the originals written almost 15 years ago. As I read them now, from the vantage point of 15 more years of coaching experience, I find that summary overly serious.

I've used the metaphor of a "sweet spot" before -- a term commonly used in baseball but also holding a broader meaning. In one of my recent qigong classes, we learned a rather difficult form where the knees are bent and the body is turned so that one knee rests behind the other. In the beginning it felt a bit like the game "Twister," but suddenly I was outside the physical effort, experiencing a sense of "rightness" and "fit." When I tried to describe it afterwards, my teacher said, as if this happens every day, "Oh yes, you found the sweet spot."

Instead of framing as "serious work" your clients' efforts to release their unconscious patterns, help them lessen their burden and seek their sweet spot.

Betting on Change

In an Erickson Foundation Newsletter (Vol. 23, No. 3) article, "Making the Illusion Real," a case was described where "Allison," a "six-foot-two, big-boned woman held her entire family hostage to the fear that she would embarrass them. She was brash and insensitive to anyone's feelings but her own. With glee, she would point out any shortcoming or physical imperfection a person might have." 

This woman might be a personality style Eight -- they don't always realize how devastating their humor can be to the recipient or embarrassing to others around them. Members of Allison's family, though, valued the illusion of family unity and were afraid she wouldn't come to family get-togethers if they confronted her. 

Her brother Jim wanted very much for the family to get along better and came to the therapist for advice, but also said "there was nothing to do and he just had to live with it." The therapist supported Jim (who could be a style Six) in his belief that he was powerless to make the family more cohesive, but also listened carefully to Jim's description of their get-togethers. 

The family always had betting pools on sporting events they watched on TV, so the therapist suggested they "set up a betting pool to predict how long after Allison arrived she would drop the first bomb? Or to whom it would be directed? Or how many of her all-time favorite 'inappropriatenesses' she would do in an hour?" Jim was convulsed with laughter at the idea – a good sign, and one I often see when a question or suggestion has already broken through habitual ways of thinking. 

On the face of it, the therapist's suggestion may seem manipulative compared to more direct confrontation. But it's a good example of the invocation to "do something different" in order to break a trance. The focus was not on teaching Jim new communication skills. That might well have no effect on Allison. By shifting the family's focus, the therapist's suggestion could change the way they viewed Allison.

Jim reported later to the therapist that the get-together was wonderful. Rather than feeling fear or hurt, family members were now curious to see what she'd do, anticipating disappointment if they lost the pool. And because of the shift in their responses, they showed more acceptance toward Allison. She felt this difference and joined in with their post-game banter. "She was no longer an outsider, but one of the family."

Transcend and Include

Transcend and include -- each moment transcends (or is external to) the previous moment, which becomes internal to (or enfolded in) the new moment. Ken Wilber

A recent discussion in a LinkedIn group (Enneagram Coaching) triggered many questions about how or if coaching might be based on a client's preference for the self-preservation instinct (home, food, security, family), the one-to-one instinct (personal energy, sexuality, close relationships, spiritual union), or the social instinct (social identity, participation in groups and community).

For those new to the Enneagram, go here and to my free web articles page and look in the right-hand column for the basics. For those who want to know more about the instinctual subtypes, there's a good introduction at Peter O'Hanranhan's web site.

Some teachers have used the metaphor of a three-legged stool with one leg each for the self-preservation, one-to-one, and social instincts. This metaphor is not unique to the Enneagram community, nor is the notion that an ideal "stool" will be perfectly balanced. In academic medicine the three legs of the stool are teaching, patient care, and research. The Episcopal Church's stool has scripture, reason, and tradition as legs.

The Enneagram instincts stool is often described as having one leg shorter than the other two, that leg being the one we over-use -- the one where our personality's ego-structure plays out most of its habitual behavior, a way we fall "asleep" in daily life. Perfectionists whose primary instinctual drive is self-preservation, for example, would tend to focus on organizing their physical world, on doing things right, and as coaches we would explore the degree to which this is an over-zealous, unconscious, habit-driven focus.

Perfectionists might also assume that the legs of the stool should be exactly the same length. But that's not a helpful coaching assumption. A coaching client with a one-to-one focus might have identified and released some key patterns in his one-to-one interactions as well as in his self-preservation focus. His social instinct might still be less developed than the other two, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, no need to ensure that his connection with community is exactly even with self-preservation and one-to-one relationships.

The coaching questions are always and only, "How do I help clients become more conscious?" "What are their habitual patterns?" "How do these patterns operate?" "As clients step aside, without judgment, and gain a broader perspective, how might they interrupt a pattern?"

If the above client comes for coaching with the desire to be more comfortable in groups, that does become a coaching opportunity. And I asked Peter O'Hanrahan to show how that might work, coaching me as an Enneagram Nine with a primary one-to-one and secondary self-preservation focus. We were looking for a way to move the energy around, to extend it in a new way.

I described attending an LGBT-sponsored dance at my church. I wanted to support the group, but entered the room in my habitual, one-to-one way, looking for someone familiar, feeling discomfort surrounded by so many faces of acquaintances I didn't know very well. I did find two people I knew, sat and chatted at their table for about 30 minutes, then left for the sanctity of my home and a good book I looked forward to finishing. Nothing wrong there. But I wish to be more comfortable in social settings, to release the habitual response of feeling marginal in groups.

Peter asked me to consider situations where I do feel quite comfortable in a group, and I described my qigong classes. As I mentioned in another blog, I'm a body-based type -- I learn kinesthetically and my discomfort in groups is physical. Peter said, "So what would be a way for you to stay grounded in your body while being around those people at the church party? Notice how your attention goes out to the people in that space, notice your anxiety, and bring your attention back into your body, being grounded in the way you are in qigong classes."

I have since been in groups where I had a chance to practice this grounding, felt surprisingly comfortable, and also noticed a spontaneous change -- I was quite chatty!

Completing the Circle: 360s

"The Tilt Suite of Tools can predict leadership that will create a climate for innovation and it does so with precision, accuracy and reliability... Why use an X-Ray (competencies) when what you need is an MRI (traits that create or detract from performance because of the climate created by the leader’s character)?" Pam Boney, True Tilt Leadership.

Twenty-five years ago I tailored all data collection to the organization where I was coaching. I'd facilitate a focus group discussion to identify key factors for success in their organization and industry, help them set priorities, and create behavioral profiles that became the measures for leadership development. In some cases, the same profiles became part of their performance management system, especially in companies where performance feedback had been informal. 

Very effective, VERY time-consuming, and old-fashioned in the eyes of present-day executives. Technological innovations and ease of Internet access have required that I rethink my strategies. Clients now can respond to an online questionnaire in 20 minutes with an iPhone while waiting for a flight at the airport.

A number of validated 360s on the market benchmark behavioral competencies that predict leadership success, and CTI (Coach Training Institute) has aligned itself with The Leadership Circle (TLC). Like Tilt, TLC is administered through the internet, has individual and culture or team options, and provides a framework for a coaching agenda. 

But TLC is based on competencies and "reactive" tendencies. In contrast, Tilt is strengths-based and well-recognized in the growing field of transcendent leadership (Founder Pam Boney was a featured speaker at the 2010 International Leadership Association Global Conference). 

Furthermore, Pam is an experienced coach, so she knows what works. Instead of "fixing leadership problems," Tilt 360 feedback provides clients with a positive vision of conscious leadership presence. The overall coaching goal is to rise above ego's personal agenda to serve the greater good for all stakeholders. As Pam describes it, "This form of leadership creates a positive impact through building a culture that is highly collaborative, creative and innovative, so it has a positive and sustainable impact on the economy at large."

The Tilt program also provides a highly supportive coach community. As a Tilt-trained coach, I'm part of a collaborative network with monthly conference calls and membership in the Tilt Forum -- where we learn from common issues and have access to highly professional support materials such as power-point presentations. 

If you're going to this year's International Coach Federation Conference, look for Pam's talk on Tilt. I hope you'll join Pam Boney in her mission to "change the world, one leader at a time."

Being Within Love

"...wisdom and compassion can join hands in finding a Spirit that both transcends and includes this world, a Spirit eternally prior to this world and yet embracing this world and all its beings with infinite love and compassion, and care and concern, and the tenderest of mercies..." Ken Wilber, A Brief History of Everything.

A male colleague asked me once about self-managing feelings of compassion, fondness, and attraction with clients. Therapists refer to these phenomena as transference and counter-transference. I prefer a less clinical explanation of what happens in a profoundly compassionate coaching relationship. We simply experience love—at its best, what Ken Wilber describes as infinite love—which is an important component of transformational change.

Spontaneous change can happen in personal relationships when the partners finally experience unconditional love. In effective coaching relationships, as well, the emotional connection is one of unconditional, caring support. This is especially true when your clients experience powerful insights, access a deep sense of their true worth, or realize how radically they've changed as a result of working with you.

My first experience of this with a client felt like falling in love, only somehow bigger. I was grateful it happened when coaching a man to whom I couldn't possibly be attracted—-so I wasn't confused about the source, only how or why it happened. At the moment this incredible feeling swept over me, I’d been pondering deeply how best to help him. At the same moment, I found out later, he’d been praying I’d be shown the way to help him. It is indeed a kind of love we share at times like these, but it's bigger than everyday love. Instead of being "in" love, we’re being "within" love, both lucky enough to have been present to a special kind of healing.

When your client's the same gender as you, this isn't confusing or threatening to either coach or client. For example, a female client sent me this email after a very powerful coaching session: "Dear Mary, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think it might not be too soon to say, I love you." She and I understood what that meant. This woman expresses her emotions openly. But I have been within love with clients who aren't so openly expressive. I remember, for example, a happily married, tough-nosed, male CEO of a consulting firm who, after several months of coaching, would respond to a particularly profound insight by saying, “I love you!” We both knew we were feeling something bigger than personal love. 

Sometimes, though, social conditioning and role expectations can kick in for both of you when clients are of the opposite gender. Especially male clients with a female coach may define their feelings of shared compassion and gratitude as "infatuation" or "falling in love."  When that happens, remember that you’re in a special position as companion on a difficult and life-changing journey. Create appropriate boundaries so they feel safe enough to stay open and explore new territory, and at the same time redefine this joy they're feeling as infinite love, not personal love.

Up the Hill and Over

"If we truly trust our process, we go where our deep work leads us. We do not predetermine where or what that will be...  If we will not or cannot explore and accept the what is, we are doomed to be stuck." Ann Wilson Schaef, Living in Process.

Unlike a model of coaching where clients set goals and go about achieving them – while the coach acts as cheerleader, teacher, and sometimes hall monitor – staying fully present to  patterns requires playful surrender. "Playful" in the sense of open curiosity, choosing to enter new arenas without the need to follow old rules or control outcomes. This means observing what shows up without judgment. It also means the coach and the client are willing to follow wherever the process leads.

So I was delighted last week to hear from a client how she used an instance of biking up a hill to learn about her pattern of anger: 

"I'm biking up this hill and I'm so angry, thinking I'm just going to let this anger out. I'm going to sweat, I'm going to ride my bike up this hill. I'm not going to get off and walk, I'm going to bicycle up this hill, exerting myself and thinking what I was angry about, letting that anger push me up the hill. There was even a moment when I was going up the hill that it became so real I started to cry. And I realized, That's my way of not being angry!

I stopped four times because it was a nasty hill. But I didn't give up, because I'm sick of not being in touch with my anger. I don't want to give up on being me, of being present in this relationship with my husband."

Schaef describes dysfunctional relationships as "my mask relating to your mask," whereas in real relationships each partner "mirrors, reflects, and augments our primary relationship with our living process." Among many other qualities of a real relationship, "We recognize that when we have a strong reaction to something our spouse is saying or doing... it may very well be triggering an old deep process in us that is now ready to be worked out."

True to my client's intention to be present in her marriage, she described an interaction with her husband: 

"He said something, I disregarded it, and he pulled me up with, "Fine! Be passive-aggressive toward me!" He was being a smart aleck. But when I said "Oh, I really was! Thank you for showing me," he laughed, said, "You're hilarious," and kissed me.

Do you see the playfulness, the lightness? This is a great reminder that when we truly surrender to learning about ourselves without judgment, we don't need the old defenses anymore, and others respond in kind.

On the Level

In AA the concept “one day at a time” means much more than “I won’t take a drink for the next 24 hours.” Gradually the intention to live one day at a time evolves into the intention to live one day at a time, as if you only have this one day to live. Behind all our attempts to change lies the one fundamental truth – if we live one day at a time, if we are fully present, our habitual reaction to the world can no longer play out automatically. 

Many models for presence are founded in meditation. Certainly, learning to be present in meditation can transfer to greater awareness in everyday life. As J. Krishnamurti said, however: For many of us, though, the steady and consistent practice of sitting meditation can be elusive.  

Luckily, meditation is not the only way to learn presence. We also become more present when we listen deeply. Most coaching schools emphasize a level of listening that goes beyond the obvious. Co-Active Coaching lists three levels of listening: 

Level I (Internal Listening) “We listen to the words of the other person but the focus is on what it means to us.”

Level II (Dialogue) “There is a sharp focus on the other person.” This is what is typically meant by “active listening.” 

Level III (Global Listening), “You listen at 360 degrees… as though you and the client were at the center of the universe receiving information from everywhere at once… as though you’re surrounded by a force field that contains you, the client, and a space of knowing… The key to  Level III listening is simply to take in the information and play with it and see what emerges.”

Otto Sharmer (Theory U: Leading from the Future as it Emerges) offers similar but slightly more differentiated levels of listening: 

“Listening 1 (from habits) – habits of judgment that lead to reconfirming old opinions and judgments, 

Listening 2 (from outside) – factual listening and noticing differences that lead to new data;
 
Listening 3 (from within) – empathic listening that leads to seeing through another’s eyes and emotional connection; and

Listening 4 (from Source) – generative listening that connects us with an emerging future and shifts our identity/self.”

The following example shows how greater self-awareness can move clients from habitual/internal listening to generative/global listening.

Jane, a widowed Seven is in love with Bob, who’s compassionate, loving, and helpful with her son and daughter. He supports Jane’s parenting approach and also engages her two teenagers in activities that take the burden of full responsibility from her shoulders. Bob has been single for some time and his sisters in a large family have come to depend on him for help with repairs and other problems. One weekend, Jane and Bob carve out two hours alone together. Just as they’re starting out on a long walk, Bob’s cell phone rings with a desperate call from one of his sisters that her heat is off and she’s freezing. 

1. Although Jane agrees to go with Bob to help his sister, she listens to herself at level 1, “What does this mean for me?” and thinks, “This was supposed to be our time together. He has all these other demands on him. There will never be enough time for me.”
    
2. Instead of reacting from this level, however, she stays with it and listens to herself at level 2. (“What can I learn from the facts?”) as Bob explains his sister Maggie’s desperate financial straits and adds that he’d like to check in quickly, have Jane meet Maggie, and then he and Jane can continue their walk.
    
3. At Maggie’s small house Jane talks with Maggie while Bob checks on the heating problem. Jane now listens to herself at level 3 (“What do I see when I look through their eyes?”) and notices how affectionately Bob and his sister treat each other. She empathizes with both of them and realizes that Bob’s behavior with his sister comes from the same fountain of compassion Jane experiences from him.
    
4. She continues to stay present, now listening at level 4 (“What is there to know that’s beyond what I presently know?”). In this place of full presence, she sees that her initial, habitual reaction came from a fundamental, patterned belief: “There will never be enough for me.” She shifts to a different sense of identity—”I am not my pattern”—and its hold on her is released.

A Frame For Change

Reframing alters a personality trance. People can change to some degree through insights and coaching in new skills -- first-order change. But they can be transformed by reframing their basic assumptions, by seeing and operating within the world in a completely new way.

Out of the Box: Coaching with the Enneagram is now available in a Kindle edition for only $7.99, a revised, third edition with new coaching tools. We're celebrating with examples from the book of how reframing can bring about transformational change:

When providing feedback to a perfectionist, you can reframe the meaning of being right: "When you've insisted on being right you've also diminished others' ability to solve problems creatively. When you integrate their assumptions, concerns, and objectives, everyone gets to be right." 

For someone who wants to succeed at any cost, walking over others along the way, a reframe might be "You can only succeed in this company when you collaborate with your peers."

Some clients get lost in their emotions. Reframing their feelings as progress toward enlightenment could include C.G. Jung's dream where he was drowning in a vat of shit while his therapist stood above. "Help me out," he cried. But the therapist pushed his head down, saying "Through, not out."

When clients who are conflict-averse reframe conflict as normal and healthy -- ferreting out unspoken values, beliefs, and assumptions, they see how disagreement can actually bring people closer together.

These and many more examples in Out of the Box Coaching.

Take Time to Celebrate

I'll admit it, I was wrong!

I used to emphasize how quickly my coaching methods can bring about change, looking askance at coaches who had clients for a year or more.

And of course I still revel in the immediate insights, the excitement of new possibilities in two or three productive coaching sessions.

Last week, however, I celebrated with a client of more than six years, recognizing the time and effort involved in truly freeing ourselves, how we can breathe a little deeper each time we expand the confines of the "box" of personality.

This client has stayed with me through two jobs and an ever closer look at her career aspirations, the gifts and blind spots of her personality style, her communication with family and co-workers, her reactions to authority. She has recently resigned from a job that didn't offer the promotion she now knows she fully deserves:

As I look back over my years in this job, I've seen great improvement in my relationships, in my competency, in less rigidity about everything -- not having to be perfect. When I'm comfortable I'm relaxed, funny, and people have made comments about my positive energy.

Last week my staff and my boss took me out for lunch. We had fun, lots of laughter, and they gave me gifts.that acknowledged me as a person -- chocolates, which they know I love; a hat to wear in the sun because they know I walk every day; a photo of me and my staff with an inscription on the frame -- "There are no days; only moments" -- and a necklace with a heart pendant. 

The necklace is symbolic of my metaphor of "heart disease" to describe our organizational culture and my wish that we could all have "healthy hearts" -- be more open to each other, show more mutual respect.

When you and I first started working together, I told you, "I don't have friends at work." This time around I walked away from that job with a legacy -- they know I care about them as individuals and they know me. That's intimacy, even in a business setting.

No More of the Same

The belief that one's own view of reality is the only reality is the most dangerous of all delusions. Paul Watzlawick.

Recently, one of the coaches I mentor asked for the sources of my distinction between first-order change and second-order change. My earliest influences were Bateson's Steps to an Ecology of Mind and Watzlawick et al's Change; later, Senge's The Fifth Discipline and Hargrove's Masterful Coaching.

While the terminology of these authors and I may differ, we share some common principles:

First-order change is a temporary "fix" to a problem without examining the underlying patterns that caused the problem; the typical result is "more of the same." Senge, for example, identifies archetypes arising from attempts at organizational change that feed the original dynamic.

Second-order change is a radical shift in worldview and consequent actions; it requires systems thinking, the ability to step back and intervene in the dynamics that have reinforced "more of the same."

Political satire, "more of the same"

First-order change in coaching similarly refers to learning new skills or capabilities that involve doing something better without examining or challenging underlying beliefs and assumptions. Second-order change occurs when clients step outside their current perspective, examine their frame of reference, and do something different. As a coach, you help them (a) observe the assumptions and behavioral patterns that have kept the same problems cropping up over and over, and (b) fundamentally reframe their worldview. As a consequence, they become less habit-driven, more open, and increasingly self-aware.

For example, Bill Danvers was  V.P. of Sales, in line to be president of his company. The CEO had annointed him because of spectacular sales results, not realizing Bill had taken all the credit in spite of behind-the-scenes support from V.P.s of other functions. After agreeing with his peers on negotiation parameters, he would override those agreements to make deals with customers that other functions didn't have the resources to support in the expected time frame. So if customers became dissatisfied, Bill still looked like the golden boy and his peers took all the blame.

His underlying drive was to succeed at any cost. Consequently, the other V.P.s didn't trust him and wouldn't support his bid to be their boss. Because he wanted their approval, Bill agreed to tell customers his offers were tentative and to confirm with his peers before closing the deal. This first-order change might have temporarily satisfied others in the organization, but if his fundamental drive continued to serve his own achievements at the cost of theirs, nothing fundamental would have changed and he would again have lost their trust.

With a systemic view of his behavioral patterns, Bill Danvers began to acknowledge evidence of his competitiveness and his high need to be recognized for his successes. He became aware of childhood messages that his worth depended on accomplishment. With the goal of second-order change, I helped raise Bill's awareness when feelings of competitiveness and approval-seeking behavior began to grip him. He was gradually able to intervene with new responses and authentically collaborate with his peers.

*     *     *

For a personality-based explanation, see "Breaking Out of the Box," especially the discussion beginning at the bottom of the fourth page (page 24 of my book with Clarence Thomson, Out of the Box Coaching). For more about first- and second-order change, see Tompkins and Lawley's  When the Remedy is the Problem.

...

Draw Outside the Lines

Remember the problem where you're asked to connect nine dots with only four straight lines?

This riddle can serve as a metaphor for you as a coach. There is no box in the diagram, but each client's worldview is a box. The only way to solve the nine-dot problem is to go outside the box, in this case by creating four lines that extend past the numbers:

You, too, want to go outside the lines -- to step outside the box of the coaching relationship -- and ask yourself, "Are my responses to clients reinforcing their key personality patterns or helping them break free of those patterns?"

Success-oriented clients, for example, tend to look outside themselves for approval, seeking the metaphorical "trophy" for achieving their goals. In follow-up meetings they will typically report how well they've carried out their assignments, enacting their key underlying pattern by trying to be the best coaching client. Will you reinforce that behavior by applauding what they've done, or will you help them see this habitual pattern, without judgment, as it occurs in the coaching session?

Clients whose key pattern is perfectionism will come to you wanting to "fix" themselves. Will you jump with them to solutions, or will you help them break the superstructure of their perfectionism by teaching them to observe how their perfectionism plays out without trying to change anything? 

This is sophisticated coaching; you are always looking deeper than the obvious, always taking the systemic view, acknowledging that your presence invites the lifelong patterns that now keep your clients stuck. The easy approach is to give them what they ask for. The smarter approach is to give them what they don't know how to ask for, a transformational shift in how they view the world.

The Paradoxical Approach to Problem Solving

(Drawn from The Tactics of Change by Fisch, Weakland, and Segal)

The Importance of Reframing

• Sometimes "more of the same" increases resistance to change; e.g., a colleague who resents being told what to do will not be easily influenced by your continuing to suggest what she should do.
• Far more effective is to lift yourself out of the situation and examine both sets of behavior – including the usual attempted solution – as problems to be solved.
• Reality is only what a sufficient number of people agree is real. Paradoxical problem solving redefines or "reframes" reality in a way that's compatible with the other's worldview.
• Reframing a situation actually changes your perception of it. You're finding ways to influence the other person more effectively; at the same time you're being influenced as you come to see the world from the other's perspective.

Underlying Assumptions

• It isn't necessary to find fault.
• Nobody has to win, nobody has to lose (people who come from a win/lose perspective are polarized: "Either I do what I want, or I'll have to do what you want").
• If what you're doing isn't working, stop it.

Some Paradoxical Change Strategies

• Less of the Same: Systematically discontinue a pattern that – instead of bringing about change – merely maintains the status quo. 
• Making the Covert Overt: Covert behavior has enormous power to maintain and reinforce an adversary relationship, yet we tend to be reluctant to talk about it openly, even when the problem behavior is apparent. Partly this is because we're not so aware of our own behavior and how it contributes to the situation. Use this tactic only if you're willing to hear about and examine your own behavior.  :-)
• The Tai Chi Method (also called Prescribing the Symptom): Either person, instead of fighting a particular behavior, can consciously engage in it (see, for example, The Donald Duck Cure).

A "Clean" Sweep

Over a period of years David Grove identified questions that would least influence clients in their metaphorical journey, hence the term 'Clean Language'. Carol Wilson, "Metaphor and Symbolic Modeling for Coaches."

Even though metaphors are commonplace in everyday language, we sometimes miss their potential to open doors that logic and its accompanying censors keep firmly locked. Think about it. If logic ruled the day, you could simply say "I'm going to stop feeling defensive when someone criticizes me" or "I want to lose 15 pounds" and voila! It's done. Just as our unconscious patterns and resistances defy logic from their right-brain location, they can also be accessed and transformed with metaphor. 

It's really fun to follow a client's metaphor and see where it leads. And I've found that people will accept suggestions they might otherwise find strange or silly, if presented with confidence. So, for example, when I asked a client about her loneliness, she said it was like being stranded on a desert island. Dropping assumptions about my role as 'helper,' I followed her into her own metaphor, trusting that her internal resources would lead us somewhere healing. (It's a long story, but a key player was a talking bird, a guide neither of us could have anticipated.)

If you come into metaphor play with your own worldview, make assumptions about what clients 'see' in their metaphors, and take them where YOU think they should go, this negates their experience and dismisses the potential for their own solutions. Psychologist David Grove suggested that metaphors are not only symbolic of a problem but also contain clues to solutions. He developed questions he called "clean," meaning they don't engage a cognitive process but rather keep clients in relationship with their own metaphors.

Angela Dunbar's article, "Using Metaphors With Coaching," will give you a good start on using Clean Language.The first question is always "What would you like to have happen?" and clients are typically in a logical, left-brain mode, as my client was when she said she wanted to feel connected instead of lonely. So it may take a while for a metaphor to arise, but soon, as you follow the client's lead, a whole metaphorical landscape begins to appear.

Here are a few examples of clean questions and content taken from a session of about 30 minutes. I'll use the word "bird" to represent my client's metaphor (one of many before she became aware of a voice, which then became a talking bird):

To develop awareness: "What kind of voice is that voice?" or "Whereabouts is that voice?" or "Is there anything else about that voice?"  (She 'sees' a bird landing next to her.)

To understand the bigger picture: "Then what happens?" or "What happens just before?"  or "Where could that bird have come from?" (She says it's a talking bird that comes from the ship she sees in the distance.)

To explore relationships and connections: "And is there a relationship between that talking bird and feeling connected?" or "And when the bird talks to you what happens to feeling connected?" (She says when she reaches the ship she'll be connected, and the bird is telling her how to reach the ship.)

To find out how the goal can be reached: "What needs to happen for you to feel connected?" or "And can that connection happen?" (The client at first says she has no way to get to the ship, she can't swim that far; but eventually the bird tells her how to build a raft and she is able to do that.)

A complete session is very much in flow and may move between questions, as new metaphors and even new goals appear. 

Have fun! And contact me if you'd like to explore this further, either as a client or as a coach who wants to learn more about Clean Language.

Turn Coaching Assignments Into Play

My clients and I come up with some unusual and even comical actions for them to try between coaching sessions. A coach I mentor wondered if a man she's coaching might benefit from something a bit frivolous "to reduce his over-seriousness."

Change in our clients comes in part when they try something different, and in part when they observe and stay with the feelings that come up as a consequence. And these tasks we typically call homework or assignments are much more likely to succeed when we approach them playfully and the client collaborates in their development. I like to use the word experiment.

The first step to develop a relevant experiment is to identify the pattern that's causing a problem, then create actions that simultaneously draw from and reframe the client's worldview.

For the man who'd been over-serious, the coach first found out what "over-seriousness" meant to him, then in what ways and to what degree he wanted to be less serious. They brainstormed words to create a Seriousness Continuum and he agreed to keep track of different ways to enact each of these states:

Funereal -- Grim -- Austere -- Solemn -- Deliberate -- Thoughtful 

The key is always to heighten awareness, so clients no longer react unconsciously and habitually. Such mindfulness can resolve an issue quite quickly.

Here are some other possibilities:

The coach might ask her client to imagine ways he could exaggerate the problem. For example, he might experiment with being "Funereal" and, while doing so, to notice how his face and body feel.

Or he could go in the other direction and act in a way that stretches him just a bit. Maybe he'll agree to wear a tie in a less serious pattern than his usual dark stripe, and to pay close attention to what happens. Do people even notice his tie? How does he know that? How does he feel wearing it?

If you set up a positive expectation, a presupposition, clients will notice a change in their old patterns while experimenting with new behavior. With the above client, for example, you could say, "Notice ways you're a little less serious while trying to be funereal," or "...while wearing that tie..."

You'll find as you explore a client's patterns that ideas offer themselves about how to "do" the pattern in a different way. Because it's important in all change work to break down generalities, helping the client be specific will begin the change. Playfully dreaming up ideas for experiments between sessions will also loosen the pattern. The experiment itself will definitely do so.

Reframing Force-Field Analysis

Ask yourself, "How might I reframe my model of the force field? What are my beliefs and behaviors that may be contributing to resistance in our interaction?"

I think resistance to change is an interpersonal dynamic. But traditional change theory carries an unexamined premise that we coaches/consultants are not part of the problem. Our collaborative behaviors are assumed, and we tend to explain any resistance we encounter as an element within the client and/or the client system.

Lewin's force-field analysis is the most commonly used model to illustrate elements of change and resistance to change:

According to Lewin's model, pressing for change threatens stability and increases the power of forces maintaining the system, so the most effective way to bring about change is to reduce the forces of resistance. Note that Lewin's model, however, implies that resistance exists only on one side of the force field. As coaches and consultants, we see ourselves as "driving forces." Thus theory guides practice when we interpret resistance to change as emanating only from clients ("restraining forces").

In contrast, I believe both change forces and status quo forces exist within the interaction system. And if a system depicts an interaction, both driving and restraining forces must also be depicted as interactive:

This mental model guides us to interpret resistance to change as an interactive variable.  Instead of assuming resistance is something in your clients to 'overcome,' ask yourself, "How might I reframe my model of the force field? What are my beliefs and behaviors that may be contributing to resistance in our interaction?" 

Coniunctio: Accessing Polarities and Becoming Whole

(Ninth and last in the series on alchemy as metaphor for great coaching)

In Anatomy of the Psyche Edward F. Edinger describes alchemical operations as "basic categories by which to understand the life of the psyche" which "illustrate almost the full range of experiences that constitute individuation." He adds that many of the alchemical images overlap, and echoes the Jungian belief that there's no prescribed sequence. 

It's also been my experience that each person I coach has to undergo all aspects of what alchemists refer to as The Great Work, and not necessarily in the same order as others. So the order I've presented is arbitrary. More important, none of the client examples is meant to convey greater or lesser aspects of significant change; only different aspects. 

Coniunctio may seem in its definition to represent a culmination of all the operations:

Coniunctio—bringing together apparent opposites to make a larger whole; for example, uniting conscious and unconscious, balancing masculine and feminine principles, incorporating extroversion and introversion and, later, entering psychological wholeness.

It's important to understand, however, that this symbol includes two processes, first the bringing together of apparent opposites ("the lesser coniunctio"), and then later — perhaps after other processes such as mortificatio — the union of the opposites, which is greater than the sum of its parts ("the greater coniunctio - combines the opposites, mitigates and rectifies all one-sidedness")>

So the balancing of masculine and feminine, for example, is not "a little of this, a little of that." Or in the case of the client quoted below, her efforts to become more assertive did not lead to wholeness as long as she was still polarized between anxiety and confidence. The "two kinds of change" she describes represent her experience of the "lesser" and the "greater" coniunctio:

I've experienced two kinds of change in my life. The first kind, which really helps at the time, is not a major shift but rather becoming more effective at what I've always done. For example, when I was in graduate school I was so nervous presenting papers in class, I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. So I took assertiveness training and then taught assertiveness courses myself. I learned the behaviors that helped me act less nervous in front of a group. I think of that as incremental change, or in simple terms a "Band-Aid." I hadn't changed inside, but I knew how to handle anxiety when it appeared. I still felt a polarity between keeping quiet and girding myself up to speak in public.

The second kind of change is much more significant, a bolt of lightning where I suddenly "get" something about myself, a shift from being asleep to awakening. Relative to assertiveness, I "got" that behind the anxiety was a child who believed nobody was interested in what she had to say. I allowed myself to experience that child and her story fully, then something fundamental shifted inside. The story no longer matters. There is no polarity. I am both quiet and outspoken, both soft and strong.

(See also Calcinatio, Solutio, Solificatio, Nigredo, Separatio, Mortificatio, Sublimatio, Coagulatio)

Coagulatio: Becoming Somebody and Nobody

(Eighth in the series on alchemy as metaphor for great coaching)

John H. Engler wrote, "The therapeutic issue in psychotherapy... is to 're-grow' a basic sense of self" whereas "the therapeutic issue in Buddhism is how to 'see through' the illusion or construct of the self." The two goals are not mutually exclusive. Rather, there is a wider perspective where they are compatible: "Put very simply, you have to be somebody before you can be nobody" (Paths Beyond Ego).

Reading Engler's essay gave me an "aha" moment. I'd been wrestling with some differences among clients in how they express their experience of transformational change. Some describe becoming more sure of themselves, which can seem a strengthening of their ego-image, yet they are clearly also shifting to greater self-awareness  Others refer to a worldview that is far more expansive, an awareness of self from the perspective of an objective witness, that sees how programmed and habitual ego responses have operated. Realizing both are necessary has helped me understand the symbolism of coagulatio.

Coagulatio--is the process that turns something into earth... The churn of reality solidifies the personality... it has become attached to an ego. In Jungian terms, coagulatio symbolizes the fulfillment of individuation, to be followed by  other alchemical processes. "What has become fully concretized is now subject to transformation." (Edward F. Edinger in Anatomy of the Psyche)

We have to become somebody before we can be nobody. Thus, my client Bart, until his fifties, had been consolidating himself as a strong and fearless man: "I had a long history of seeking peak experiences, adrenaline rushes. I was always keen on river rafting and I wanted to do it in wild rivers like the Amazon, rivers you could gauge by the number of maimings they have per season."

Bart had to become himself fully, to individuate, to operate in the world without apology, knowing he was just fine, as he was. Only then could he begin to step out into a broader perspective, one where he saw through the illusion of needing to be strong and could begin the path to becoming "nobody":

Then I was hit by a truck and broke several ribs and an arm -- with some nerve damage. It was distressing from the point of view that I was now only as strong as a regular person. It forced me to ask for help in ways I never had before. I had always tended to be at sixes and sevens when it came to, on the one hand, having the most qualified person do it, and on the other hand, doing everything myself, approaching every act as a Warrior with absolutely everything he's got. This became deeply frustrating because you can't do everything. So out of being partially incapacitated I learned how tied I'd been to the need to be strong.

I often think of the loss, both to me and to all the people who knew me before this change. I simply wasn't equipped to talk about larger issues; I'd been unable to hear. I was always back in the cave, conjecturing, ready to take a pot-shot, and I would never share. Now, when I'm really listening to someone, it's like walking down the sidewalk with our arms around each other, in step, making eye contact, walking together.

(See also Calcinatio, Solutio, Solificatio, Nigredo, Separatio, Mortificatio, Sublimatio)

Sublimatio: Infusing with Spirit

(Seventh in the series on alchemy as metaphor for great coaching)

For many years I've been amused by Charles Tart's coined word, endarkenment. Tart, an icon of spiritual consciousness, wrote "... a way to get endarkened really well is to be narrow, to only see things one way."

I've experienced occasional shifts to higher stages of consciousness as stepping out of the dark and into the light. But Tart's somewhat tongue-in-cheek admission, "My specialty is endarkenment," reflects how occasional those glimpses of light can be.

Sublimatio--In the chemical process of sublimation, a heated solid enters a gaseous state and ascends to the cooler top of the vessel where it re-solidifies. Thus in alchemical lore sublimatio symbolizes transmuting to a higher form. Metaphorically, we become more spiritual, we move "above" our small ego-types and have a larger worldview.

One of my clients described this larger worldview as a mosaic. "It's not like the old disappears, but the pieces can be put together in infinite combination."

Below is a brief recap of her particular endarkenment - to put a positive spin on things and ignore reality - as well as one glimpse of light in her mosaic:

I grew up in a family like the one in Ordinary People, where everything looked good on the outside. My parents were upper-middle-class, church-going, and provided for all our needs, but emotionally there was chaos and conflict. My mother was an active alcoholic and my dad worked all the time. I often felt I couldn't understand what was going on. My friends would say, "I wish I had your parents," and I'd think, "How could that be?" That was exaggerated: in college "Gosh, how is it that everyone else seems to know what's going on and says it's OK, but it doesn't feel OK to me?" 

I spent my last semester of college in Mexico as part of a Global Justice and Peace program. Fourteen students lived in community and were immersed in Spanish. After that I spent two weeks studying Latin American history and politics in Nicaragua, and then stayed two weeks with a family where there were only two beds in the house and only two of the rooms had paved floors.

I became aware not only how my family pretended everything was OK, but that I lived in a country where everyone else looked that way, too. Now I was with people who didn't live that way at all and - in the midst of that - they had lives. Not only did this experience heighten my sense of a greater global community and my place in it, but also it gave me some different eyes: seeing more of the things we have in common, being open to new experiences.

That's continued to be a reminder to me. When I'm feeling out of my element, instead of running away from reality or trying to put a spin on it, to embrace it and ask, "Well, if I were in Mexico, what would I do?"

(See also Calcinatio, Solutio, Solificatio, Nigredo, Separatio, Mortificatio, Coagulatio)

Mortificatio: "Killing" Ego Attachments

(Sixth in the series on alchemy as metaphor for great coaching)

Before I knew anything about mortificatio, I thought only of "mortification," as in humiliation or shame -- feelings that most of us prefer to avoid. But perhaps that's the point. Humiliation and shame are ego-responses. And a counselor or coach can unwittingly reinforce the notion that unwanted behavior is "bad" by suggesting ways to stop doing what clients don't like about their behavior.

Instead, we can show them how to be with, to embrace these "unwanted" aspects.

Paradoxically, they can then find ttheir authentic selves.

Mortificatio--killing or dead-making, consciously working on reduction of ego attachments; in Jungian terms 'bringing home' our projections, going inside ourselves to embrace the shadow so our being reflects the whole instead of a dissociated part.

David, at 60, had a late and rapid change in his life:

I'd been yearning for the change I'm now experiencing, but never found a way to do it. Frankly, when I first looked at your web site I thought, "My god, this is some sort of cult!" Later, I realized that same skepticism and fear had kept me from the very change I'd longed for, had -- in fact -- been a hallmark in my career. I didn't trust many people. This often showed up as anger and it cost me an expected promotion to President of our company. The CEO said, "You know, I'm worried about you; you're angry and accusing beyond anything that's called for."

I'd learned to curb my anger with my wife when I realized I was going to lose her if I didn't, but I never carried this outside my marriage. I was going to get a job done, and fuck 'em if they didn't like the way I did it! I'd fight to the death to defend a position and at the same time carry tremendous guilt that I either turned people off with my complaining or scared them away.

What's so awesome to me is that for some reason I have an absolute, unqualified trust in this process. When I talked to a counselor years ago about my anger we just scratched the surface, We never got into the soul of what was going on. I'd put Post-It stickers on my dashboard to remind myself not to lose my temper. And that worked...  until the Post-It fell off. 

I encouraged David to observe his anger without judgment:

The interesting thing about this is that I'm not self-condemning, I'm simply noting. This has taught me how to be where I want to be anyway. The oddest part is that I haven't had to sit here and plot some kind of change. It has continued to awe me, the notion of yielding and letting it happen. I used to get so upset over little things. Just this morning I went to the garage to put some stuff into the trunk of my car and the trunk was locked. My reaction a few weeks ago would have been, "Damn it! Why is the trunk locked?" Instead, I noted, "Oh, the trunk is locked," let the annoyance move through me, walked around to the door and unlocked the trunk. I don't know where my irritability went, all that pointing of fingers at other people.

I marvel now at two things. First, that I've been able to continue the process as profoundly as I have; I still find it amazing that I don't have to go through the great labor I'd been enduring for years, trying to curb my anger at others -- I'm not struggling or trying. And second, I'd gone through life always having to know where I was going, figuring out everything that could possibly go wrong; otherwise I wasn't going to do it. Now it's joy that moves me through the process and I don't care where it ends. I've tossed the road map.

(See also Calcinatio, Solutio, Solificatio, Nigredo, Separatio, Sublimatio, Coagulatio)