Going Where No One Has Gone Before

My client Barb had come to a coaching call dismayed to have realized, half-way through a conversation with a new acquaintance about a mutual friend, that she was focusing only on the negative. 

"I was just awful. Why do I have to be so critical of others?" An Enneagram Style One, her self-critic was also quite analytical: "I'm probably trying to avoid self-criticism by projecting it onto others."

"Does it work?" I asked.

"Well, no, now I'm criticizing myself for being so critical!" She laughed and continued, "I'm even ashamed that I need to use a defense mechanism as crude as projection."

"You're right, projection is pretty common," I agreed. "What would be a more sophisticated defense mechanism?" I was grinning, too, by now.

Her sense of humor was in full force: "Reaction formation!" she blurted.

After some discussion we mutually defined reaction formation as publicly criticizing what you privately desire and agreed she'd pay attention to her use of this "more refined" defense mechanism before our next talk. 

Notice how we broke through her self-criticism by validating her worldview and at the same time gently disturbing it with humor. From our perspective of "the more defense mechanisms, the merrier," we created a facilitative double bind: "You can only be perfect by being imperfect."

For useful actions a client can take between sessions, consider fieldwork that will stimulate a worldview shift, as in the above example, when Barb moved from judging herself for evidence of a defense mechanism to laughing about having even another form of defense. When new experiences are incompatible with old worldviews, the link that binds habitual programs begins to loosen.

NOTE: A double-bind communication contains two contradictory messages. In a facilitative double-bind, clients' habitual thinking patterns are of no use -- they must break free.

(A version of this example appears in Chapter 13 of Out of the Box Coaching with the Enneagram)

The Taste of Sadness

Ay, in the very temple of Delight

       Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,

               Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue

       Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;

His soul shalt taste the sadness of her might,

               And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

                 John Keats, Ode on Melancholy

“As a matter of interest,” announced an Enneagram Four client, “I now know the difference between depression and melancholy. Melancholy is a sweet sadness I don’t mind. Depression is a much darker place, a deeper pit of despair and hopelessness.”  

This level of attention to the nuances of anguish doesn’t make me uneasy. Indeed, it attracts me. In 2000, I began an ill-fated love affair that took me to ecstatic highs and tragic lows. In spite of the great pain I suffered, I always think of that lost relationship with joy. The reason? I thought I’d experienced the full range of feelings, and I had. But I hadn’t yet experienced the full intensity of feelings, an intensity that’s now more available to me. I find this to be especially true when I’m coaching someone with more mercurial moods than typical of my quieter, Enneagram style Nine personality.

It’s easier now for me to establish rapport with clients in pain, to tap into my previous experiences with symphonic overtones and authentically affirm the heartbreak they're enduring. 

But something else may happen that I need to attend to – I can sometimes merge so much I begin to lose my objectivity as a coach, showing too much empathy, indulging in the thrill of feeling what clients are feeling. This won’t help them move from being stuck in their emotions to becoming effective in the external world.  

Some years ago I left a workshop with the commitment to “live life with passion.” After my roller-coaster love affair I renewed that commitment, but reworded it slightly: “to live my own life with passion.” 

I encourage you to think about what clients you’re drawn to and why, and to notice when your own personality patterns may help or hinder the coaching relationship.

Protect the Flame

Have your clients been trying to ignore or overcome their problems? Think of the energy it takes, trying NOT to do something they dislike about themselves. Often people are reluctant to confront their so-called negative aspects because that promises to be uncomfortable. Depending on the level of discomfort, this could range from feeling a "pinch" to what one woman said was like walking the last mile to her own execution.

Psychologist Carl Jung had a dream where he faced into a strong wind, holding a small flame in the palm of his hand—his task to protect the flame while continuing into the wind. 

You can help your clients protect the light of their inner potential as they walk "into the wind" of the difficult territory of change. To ease this process, instead of wasting energy not doing something they don't want to do, show them how to go with the pattern but with one small, even playful, difference. 

Here are two examples: 

Jerry was overwhelmed with the burdens of work and felt “entrapped.” When I asked him to locate that experience in his body and exaggerate it, he said it was like “being in a chokehold.” Knowing Jerry was a student of aikido, I asked him how he might release a chokehold in aikido fashion. Later we worked with this image, wedding the right-brain language of metaphor with left-brain strategies, finding ways to give his staff more information so they could do their jobs well and diminish his burden of responsibility.

Karen disliked doing the mundane tasks on her to-do list, one of which—making follow-up calls after an introductory letter—was costing her business. She would retreat into playing the piano instead of making the calls, and then feel shame over falling behind in her work. I asked Karen what kind of music she disliked playing. “I don’t like contemporary classical music,” she admitted. I invited her to consider, “How could you improvise in such a way that you’d enjoy playing contemporary classical music?" She answered immediately, with a laugh, “By jazzing it up!” “Great,” I encouraged her. “Now, how could you jazz up your introductory letter so making follow-up calls attracts you?” I suggested she “put it on the back burner and notice the innovative ideas that begin to occur to you.” This suggestion was based on an understanding of creative thinking: after a certain amount of logical clarity, the most innovative solutions come at unexpected, unplanned moments, often in right-brain images.

For transformational change, the goal is to find solutions, not fix a problem. It doesn’t work to fight against undesirable behavior. It does work to interrupt the underlying pattern of processing information that supports the behavior. 

Stay on the path. Protect the flame.   

(The examples above are from Out of the Box Coaching with the Enneagram.)

Break the Rules

People with Enneagram style One typically abide by rules, and a coach could unwittingly reinforce that limiting worldview with new skills that also carry rules. A way to break through this pattern is to draw out and reframe, modify and/or break the rules. 

My client Jesse had created the rule that if she used the feedback guidelines we'd practiced, she'd always get the reaction she wanted. I used humor and reframing to break that assumption. 

When planning to mail a cake for a friend's birthday, Jesse had asked a postal clerk about the packing criteria and cost of mailing the size cake she planned. Based on his information, when she came back to mail the package she discovered she'd over-packed and consequently overpriced her package. 

She asked to speak to the supervisor and explained how the clerk had misinformed her and would benefit from some instruction. Instead of thanking her, the supervisor said, "You asked him to price a hypothetical package? That's silly!"

Jesse came to her next coaching session asking, "What did I do wrong? I used the feedback guidelines, but she still attacked me!"

"Who says you did anything wrong?" I countered.

"Well, it didn't work," Jesse replied.

"No, some people will be defensive no matter how well you communicate your wishes."

"But... but, where is the line?" Jesse asked.

"We all have different lines. There's no way to know for sure when you'll cross someone's line."

"But, but... how can I predict when it will work and when it won't?" She was beginning to see the humor in her plea.

"You can't." By this time we were both laughing. Jesse was learning that sometimes there are no rules.

(from pages 50-51 of Out of the Box Coaching with the Enneagram).    

Consider the Possibilities

After more than thirty years and an ever-growing file of theories, models, and techniques, I've come to believe that being fully present and helping clients become fully present are key to being a good coach. In the process, of course, you'll be informed intuitively by all you've learned and practiced.

Below is the dialogue from a coaching session with a client who wanted to stay present in uncomfortable situations and not withdraw physically or mentally or emotionally:

Client: All my life I've had the tendency to bolt when I started feeling uncomfortable.

Coach: When you haven't bolted, when you're able to stay with being uncomfortable, how do you do that? 

Client: I tell myself to hold it in place until my sense of resistance isn't so strong. But talking to myself about it is a real struggle. 

Coach: We have three channels to communicate with our resistance: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic. You seem to use an auditory process.  

Client: Yes, I think in words and paragraphs. I don't see pictures. 

Coach: That is good to know, because it means when you shift to a kinesthetic channel you'll reach your right brain processes in a way you can't with words. So hold the awareness that you want to move away from something. Where in your body do you experience that sensation? 

Client: In my gut. 

Coach: Expand that sensation and tell me what it's like. 

Client: It's kind of a frenetic energy. "Butterflies" is too gentle a word. It's wobbly, frenetic. 

Coach: Now try that on. Does that feel exactly right, that sense that it's wobbly, frenetic? 

Client: Not quite. An image comes to me from a college program in special education when I worked with autistic children. One of the things an autistic child will do when feeling overwhelmed is what's called "flapping." 

Coach: Is that a fit? 

Client: That's exactly it. 

Coach: Ah. So there's a child in you who hasn't been able to communicate except through "flapping."

We then agreed whenever she felt the presence of that child, she would listen for what the child was trying to communicate.

Notice I didn't accept the client's belief that she never thought in pictures. Instead I embedded a possibility in my response and she came almost immediately to an experience that countered her view of herself--suddenly she was seeing images.

Possibility language is also illustrated in the above interaction with the comment, "That is good to know, because it means when you shift to a kinesthetic channel you'll reach your right brain processses in ways you can't with words." 

Another aspect of possibility language was the presupposition that the autistic child would be trying to communicate in a different way.

In short order this client moved from an internal verbal struggle--trying to force herself to continue doing something uncomfortable (and reinforcing her worldview)--into a playful, imaginary interaction with a child-like part of herself who'd been "autistic," unable to communicate except through frenetic physical movement.

When you coach this way, the possibilities are endless.

What You See May Not be What You Get

One of my clients is building his company and has specific requirements for rounding out his current team. While coaching him on interviewing, I realized much of what's on the Internet about "behavioral interviewing" unwittingly invites candidates to say what they think the interviewer wants to hear, instead of showing themselves authentically. 

There's a problem with questions such as "Give me an example of an occasion when you used logic to solve a problem." This signals that the company wants someone with logical thinking, and candidates will do their best to impress the interviewer with their sound logic. Another problematic question: "Have you handled a difficult situation with a co-worker? How?" For someone who wants the job, the only possible answer to the first question is "Yes," and now the candidate's thinking, Hmmm... they want someone who's willing to admit difficulties, and someone who's able to manage difficult situations. Better be on my toes with this one. They're now psyching out the INTERVIEWER instead of vice versa. 

So, when you're coaching clients about behavioral interviewing, here's an approach I learned from a company that helps corporations choose candidates for key executive positions. Their reputation depends on getting it right. And your clients' satisfaction with people they hire also depends on that new employee's continued demonstration of characteristics apparent during interviews. NOT examples of past behavior, but what's right in front of the interviewer's nose. Here's how to elicit authentic behavior.

Before the interview, define the key characteristics being sought:

• What will fulfill the job requirements?
• What will serve the company's mission?
• What will match customer and industry needs? 
• What will complement the current team composition?

During the interview:

• Create a climate for relaxed conversation (up to 1-1/2 hours if possible). You want to elicit authentic behavior, instead of "best foot forward" that might only show you what the candidate wants you to see. And you want them to do 90% of the talking.
• These questions will keep them talking and give you more data (as opposed to short answers that don't tell you much):  Broad, general questions ("Tell me more about..."), Value-judgment questions ("What was your favorite part of that? What made it your favorite?"), Probes ("How so...?" "Because...?"), Reflection ("So that interested you..." then be silent to give them time to continue).
• Observe behavior during the interview that matches or doesn't match the key characteristics you've identified: (1) Compare what they say with what they do in the interview (if their resume emphasizes creativity and you ask about their creative work, you have no guarantee it was actually their idea/work; instead, invite them to do creative problem-solving with you and observe for yourself how they think). (2) Listen to their language for underlying characteristics. For example, someone who asks, "Am I going into too much detail?" may not be highly confident or a great risk-taker. IMPORTANT: This is only one data point; check it out by listening for more evidence. (3) You can also listen to language to make an educated guess about their personality style (voice loud or soft, focus of attention, etc.); it's unethical and even silly to look for a certain personality -- you want to find someone who's emotionally mature -- but it can give some ideas for building a diverse and complementary team.
• Be aware of your nonverbal behavior; be pleasant without encouraging any particular line of conversation (they would take apparent encouragement as a sign of what you want and try to give you more what you want).
• Write down your observations immediately after the meeting. If you take notes during the interview, do so in an easygoing, non-obtrusive way (you might have a checklist of the key qualities you're looking for, and put a check mark when you see one). But note-taking is nonverbal behavior and may detract from the safe atmosphere that makes candidates comfortable enough to show their real selves.